The Burden of Forgiveness — 196
A few questions came into tentpegsquestion@yahoo.com so we’ll take care of them and then get back to Celtic prayers and blessings (if there is an interest in those).
Is it necessary for someone to repent before we forgive them?
I have a friend who is adamant that he does not have to forgive someone unless they repent. I do not know the details; I do know it has to do with another brother from a previous congregation where he attended. He comments that God doesn’t forgive us unless we repent and he won’t forgive this person unless they repent. Obviously, whatever happened to him hurt him deeply. When forgiveness is mentioned in a class it almost brings him to tears. He is a good man and it hurts me up to see him struggling with this. Many of us have tried to encourage him to forgive him because he is the one suffering.
I have heard the same assertion made by many people and, in my experience, every single one of them was miserable. As you noticed, refusing to forgive someone makes us a victim of our own stubbornness. And while they are miserable, they are also blocking God’s forgiveness for their sins. This is serious stuff! Matthew 6:14,15 says “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Note that there is no requirement here that the other individual repent before you forgive them. The onus of forgiveness is on you from the time of the offense until you forgive regardless of their action or lack of action.
Jesus was talking about faith — daily faith — and the power it gives us when he said “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:27) Since we are ambassadors of Christ — priests, in fact — this is no small matter. Others are not forgiven until we forgive them! John 20:23 says “If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” By refusing to forgive this man, your friend is placing their soul — and his own — in mortal jeopardy. Paul told the Corinthians that forgiveness needed to be quick and automatic (2 Cor. 2:10) and in this he was echoing Jesus in Luke 17:4. Now, the sharp eyed reader will notice that in Luke, Jesus says that if someone sins against you seven times in a day and comes back to ask forgiveness seven times, you have to forgive them. Ah ha! They had to ASK for forgiveness! Not so fast. First of all, you cannot ignore all the other verses that tell you to forgive automatically regardless of the repentance — or lack of repentance — of the one who offended you. Second, the word “seven” there isn’t to indicate the number between six and eight; it is a common linguistic tool of the time that meant “constantly.” We are never to stop forgiving even when it seems obvious that the person offending us has no real interest in changing their behavior. (you don’t really think they were repenting — truly repenting — in Luke 7 do you? Really?)
Read the account of Stephen, his sermon before the Sanhedrin, and his stoning. He asked Jesus to forgive the sins of those who were stoning him even as they continued to stone him! And Jesus didn’t wait for our repentance before asking for forgiveness for the mob who killed him (and he asked WHILE they were killing him).
Then read the Old and New Testaments and see what sins God hated most. There are the usual suspects there but one which shows up time and time again is “Hardness of heart.” The one who doesn’t forgive endangers his soul, the offender’s soul, and warps their soul into something that doesn’t look like Jesus. Their hard hearts, Isaiah says (and Jesus quotes), keeps them from hearing God or seeing God. It is time your friend repented and then forgave the one who hurt him. If he cannot do so because of psychological trauma — mainly self induced by his prolonging this individual’s power over him — then he must get that help.
A quick story: I was riding with a man when a driver pulled out in front of us causing my friend to have to stand on the brakes. He leaned on his horn and the guy who pulled out just flipped us the finger and drove off. Twenty minutes later my friend was still gripping the wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white and he still seethed with anger. I asked him “How long have you two been friends?” He asked me “What do you mean? He isn’t my friend! I never saw him before.” I said, “I just assumed he was your friend because you have invited him into your life for the last twenty minutes, you think of him constantly, and thoughts of him have shoved aside all other thoughts for the day. If he isn’t your friend, cut him loose and let him go.”
August 8th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Patrick can you clarify the difference between personally forgiving a person for sin and the Body holding them accountable for unrepented actions and attitudes?
(And folks realize it is the Body that handles this, not you, me or us on a personal level.)
August 8th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
I suppose a Christian such as yourself, hold no ill will toward those who guided those planes into the towers. Or are we just supposed to forgive other Christians. I am one of those who believes we have to ask for forgiveness, and be willing to accept it before it can be given.
The two examples you gave only shows the heart of the injured, I don’t recall where either of the crowds were forgiven. If their sins were forgiven,they surely weren’t forgotten.
While I sense your first phrase is meant to be sarcastic, no, I don’t hate those who flew into the towers. You err, though, in assuming it is up to me to forgive them. They did not harm me, except in the sense that they disturbed our nation’s peace and caused us pain. False posits such as this cloud the issue. I cannot forgive Hitler, Genghis Khan, or the cowboys who massacred Indians. They did not personally offend me, though they certainly offended my sensibilities. I am called to forgive someone who does ME harm. And there is absolutely no requirement that they repent before I forgive them. And, yes, the crowds were forgiven because Jesus asked for it and he had previously assured the apostles that anything he asked his Father would be given him.
August 8th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
laymond, It seems as though you are saying that there is no proof that these crowds were forgiven. They were by both Steven and Christ. If they were not then Christ’ words were void. Our forgiveness of a person (as Patrick mentioned) releases them to be freed from their sin.
Even though I hate what happened to those people in the towers and even though it saddens me that so many have been hurt through it. I would not want to be responsible for prohibiting any one from knowing forgiveness. Especially forgiveness from God
August 8th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Just a few thoughts. When we forgive someone we acknowledge that what they did was wrong! The other person may never ever see or acknowledge it. I must leave it in the hand of God to bring that person to repentance through His awesome kindness! Never a day goes by that I don’t need to be forgiven for a sin I have committed.
For the longest time I could not forgive someone a sin perpetrated against me as a child, because I could not acknowledge that what was done was WRONG! What a freeing experience to finally understand that it was sin and forgive the sinner.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
A few thoughts…
*Forgiveness on the part of the offended is not optional. Jesus tells us that unless we forgive, we will not be forgiven (Mt. 6:14-15).
*There are many times in life when a person sins against us (or in ways that cause us to need to be “the forgivers”). It seems to me a legalistic (in the true sense of the word, not the pejorative) mindset that says “before I obey the command to forgive, they must obey the command to repent.”
*Note that Jesus never says their repentance or their right-standing with God be present before we are called to forgive. I think we err, and do so greatly, when we see forgiveness only through a salvific lens. There is a sense of forgiveness being necessary on our part even if the person does not seek it, even if they don’t see their sin, or repent of it. They aren’t being forgiven by us in a salvific way, but they are being forgiven in the “I’m letting go of my personal anger, grudge, beef, etc. toward you.” In that sense, the person is not being restored, nor is their forgiveness in the sense of being right with God. Rather, YOU are being obedient to God and letting go of the personal debt you may think they owe you. This, it seems to me, is the part required of us (the hurt, etc.).
*Allow me put this another way. A person once hurt me very badly, and years later they have yet to really grasp the depth of the hurt their actions caused. For years I was angry. At some point, convicted by the forgiveness text above, I decided that whether this person ever changed or not, I had some things to let go. I needed to forgive. That didn’t make him right before God, it didn’t change his life at all. It did change mine. I needed to let his sins be what they were…between him and God, not pretended that his debt was to me, and that he needed to come groveling to me in any way. He doesn’t. When and if he ever seeks the face of the Lord again, I’ll rejoice. I won’t demand he kowtow to me, as I think we often try to find theological grounds to demand (yes, I’m saying that I think this is what’s often really behind the idea that we can’t forgive until there is repentance).
*Finally, remember that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He didn’t wait for us to see the light first, but showed us the way through a proactively forgiving spirit.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:38 am
James — I’ve heard your explanation put in different terms before. However, I’ve never thought of personal forgiveness in the context of a debt between people. By forgiving a person (whether they request it or not), I’m releasing them of any debt that they might owe me . . . and I’m releasing myself from any expectation that they will pay that debt.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective on this.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Odd, Patrick, but I don’t ever remember you riding in my car . . .
I sometimes find it hard to forgive. I OFTEN find it hard to continue to FEEL forgiving. But they are thankfully two different things. And forgiving helps to bring about the feeling of forgiving.
I have done so much that needs forgiveness, and I have been forgiven so much. How could I withhold that from someone else.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
We are called to forgive regardless of whether the person repents or not. If we forgive someone who has also repented, then the relationship can be restored between the individuals. If we forgive someone who has not repented, though the relationship cannot be restored we do allow for God to remove any bitterness or hatred that can within our hearts.
It reminds me that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. We did not come to Him; He came to us.
It is quite easy to forgive someone who is sorry, but it is much harder to forgive and love our enemies. This is not optional, it is a commandment from God. We are to bless, love, and pray for our enemies. To not forgive someone is to withhold love, blessings, and prayers for them. By doing this we disobey the Lord.
Pray for the strength to be able to love your enemies, for it is impossible to do without the Lord.
August 10th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
This subject always opens a can of worms. Maybe I’ve oversimplified it, but between Mt.5:23-ff and Mt.18, it seems Jesus is saying whether I am the offended or the offender, it’s always my turn to go first in seeking reconciliation. I went through the Pepperdine University School of Law’s course on conflict mediation and dispute resolution program (one of the finest in the nation) and this whole area of forgiveness is counter-intuitive to what I really want to do when offended! That’s why it takes the power of the Holy Spirit within us to ever pull it off successfully.
And please stop using my driving habits to illustrate your blogs!
August 10th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
This subject came up during a recent Bible class. I was making essentially the same point as you…when a woman raised her hand to disagree…her brother was murdered a number of years ago. The murderer has never expressed any remorse. He has also had several parole hearings which she attends for the purpose of objecting to his release.
She was concerned that I and others were condemning her for not wanting to see this guy released back into society.
My take on it was/is that engaging in the process to stop his release has nothing to do forgiveness. Paul used the authorities and the law for his defense. And, scripture makes it plain that the state’s primary purpose is to punish evil-doers.
However, I pointed out that if she was harboring hatred and toward this guy, she needed to repent which would require forgiving him 1. Because God says so and 2: Because she was allowing this guy to continue to ruin/control her life for more than 20 years. (I was considerably less direct in class than in this statement) Thankfully, it appears to have had some positive impact.
I must confess I’m gonna have to chew on the mob being forgiven (released from guilt) while still in the midst of the action.
Thanks for this!
August 11th, 2009 at 4:27 am
You’re right – those who refuse to forgive are often miserable.