225 — When the Sheep are Gone
This one cries out for discussion.
One of my fellow elders is very worried about our delinquent members. In his conversation with one lady he told her that his soul was in jeopardy because she was not responding to his pleas to attend regularly. He considers her lost (above his pay grade?) and is afraid he will have to answer to God for her lack of attendance. He informed her that she either needed to come back regularly or have her name removed from our church roll. Surprise? She has not come back or had her name purged. This shepherd wants us all to similarly contact those in our groups and get closure so we can boost attendance and purge the roll. Please share your thoughts concerning delinquent care with us.
It is always, always painful to look around the congregation and notice that someone is missing… and to wonder how long they’ve been missing. What should we do? Some don’t want to go talk to them for fear they would offend them. But… why? What would be the consequences of offending them — they’re already gone! Okay, I’m being a bit facetious here.
I think there are many ways to contact them without being offensive. We might even win them back or… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
In our congregation, the elders will visit with those who have left or who have announced their intention to leave. The exit interview allows them to share all the concerns on their hearts, anything they are angry about, etc. and it also allows our elders a chance to pray personally for them and show them unconditional love. We do not tell them they are lost just because they aren’t attending a worship time with us. If they aren’t attending anywhere and have gone spiritually cold, we offer to help them with that. No condemnation, though.
Another thing we do is to hear them out. Sometimes we can even pull them back in by promising to address their concerns. Here’s an example: what if your church has traditional music that seems — to anyone born after 1960 — to be locked in a time long past, a member might feel that the worship is too cold, formal, or alien to touch them. They might be leaving in order to draw closer to God rather than running from Him. That might be a wake up call to the congregation to examine their music styles. Are they seeker friendly? Does the music enable the entire congregation to worship? Other examples could be offered here: cold elders, poor preacher…
By all means, find a way to keep the lines of communication open with those who leave. If they are willing, continue to have a relationship with them. They might need you and your congregation one day. Don’t threaten, don’t cajole, and don’t beg. Listen, learn, and offer a blessing.
I’ve heard a lot of reasons why people have left a church. The most common one is “I didn’t feel comfortable when they did…” with any of a hundred things filling in the blank. That is a teachable moment; an opportunity to begin a long discussion. Where we usually blow it is in trying to solve that issue in one visit. No… take your time. Keep the relationship going. It might take months or years, but these people can often be won back. Other issues can be as mundane as the building’s temperature was too hot or cold, the person is allergic to the perfumes being worn, or their kids are attending a different church and they want to be with them. Regardless, show them love. Let them know they are important to you even if they never darken the door of that building again. And then prove it by continuing to reach out to them, asking them to meet you for lunch, play a round of golf with them, etc.
Love is never a bad idea. Ultimatums and judgments usually are.
November 13th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Wonderful response. I whole heartedly agree with your response. Love, even when not reciprocated, is always a good idea. Thanks Patrick.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
This may help me with my men’s group. I have a lot of men come to meet with us, then one day they stop. For some I know why, and it can be a good thing. I encourage them to go start their own groups. For others, it’s just a matter of drifting away. It bothers me at times, but it is not my job to make them attend.
November 14th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Do you think it is possible the lady might not be attending because a person who is an elder is saying such things? Maybe she recognizes the man is not well versed in Bible doctrine and a bit immature himself.
Your comments are right on target as usual but this elder needs some serious help.
Royce
November 14th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
No comment, just a story.
Once upon a time I was a youngish missionary and for power reasons a man in our congregation tried to get me “under contract.” He drafted a rather lengthy list of duties for me, among which were two back to back articles.
#x – The minister will vist anyone who misses the services.
#y – The minister will not make people feel guilty for missing services.
Yeah I had fun with those and Mr. Power was among those missing services within a few months. Funny but I didn’t feel guilty about his leaving at all. Kind of felt like offering “paper or plastic?”
November 15th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I don’t think we should have official church rosters personally. Maybe a list of current active members, but it seems like the elder we are discussing seems to be mistaking his church roster with the book of life. God is the one who adds names to, and expunges them from the book of life, it isn’t our call. At the extreme the non-attending is someone who is no longer a part of the Christian faith. If this is the case we should treat the person as a non-Christian. How do we treat non-Christians? We pray for them and in love and honesty we try to win them to Jesus.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
There are all kinds of reasons for people dropping off. It could help to examine how well included some who drop off have been. Over the summer, my wife and I skipped a Sunday. Then we skipped another Sunday, and another, and somehow 6 weeks went by without us being at church on Sunday. Then we realized that nobody seemed to notice. We missed two more weeks. One of the elders realized he hadn’t noticed us and gave me a call. In some churches it seems like there are the “cool kids” that are included in everything, then there are other families who start to wonder “Why doesn’t anybody ever invite us over? They always have people over for dinner. What’s wrong with us? Do they not like us?” We went through a bit of that too.
But by all means, if somebody drops out, please do a reality check and see if they feel welcome. Do they feel like they’re not included, or part of the “in-crowd”?
Sometimes when churches are in crisis mode, everything done is done out of reaction. There’s nothing wrong with that for a short time, but after a while, it seems like the church only pays attention to the neediest few. That’s another time when people can begin to feel left out. If your church is in reaction mode, make sure to stop once in a while and share some love and attention with people who aren’t in that neediest percentage.
November 21st, 2009 at 10:25 pm
In a blog I wrote on elders, I said
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Patrick, I don’t know if you’ve addressed the issue of “church membership” elsewhere, but I find the whole issue a bit confusing. I guess it wasn’t a big issue in NT times with one church per city. But when people church-hop things get complicated in a hurry.
The positives in my mind revolve around members accepting responsibility (1 Pt 5:5), and shepherds knowing who to shepherd (1 Pt 5:2).
The negatives are that I can’t find such a concept in the NT (unless you count 1 Tim. 5), and there’s a real risk a membership list replaces the Lamb’s Book of Life.